


I Know If I Go, I'll Die Happy Tonight

by Loopimay



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Heathers References, High School, I'm trying here, POV Second Person, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Unrequited Crush, experimental writing? i dunno, not graphic, super fun story i know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:55:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 6,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26579455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loopimay/pseuds/Loopimay
Summary: When Leah dreams, everything is okay. When Leah is awake, everything is not.She longs to dream forever.Title is a lyric from "Summertime Sadness" by Lana Del Rey.
Kudos: 6





	1. Awake

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [a ghost at my side, so perfectly clear](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13650228) by [cassandralied](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassandralied/pseuds/cassandralied). 



When you sleep, you dream, and when you dream, you are happy. 

But now you have to wake up. The beeping of your alarm clock doesn't care about you. 

"Maybe you shouldn't have gone to bed at 2:30 AM." The alarm clock says. "It's not my fault you're so lazy."

You smack the clock and shut it off. Can't mock you now, can it? 

It dawns on you that you're arguing in your head with a machine, which makes you realize that you're quite pathetic.

Your father is yelling at that damn TV downstairs again, sucks to be you, he's going to notice you trying to eat breakfast. But if you hide in your room, he'll come upstairs and yell at you for not being up and out the damn door yet. 

You wish you were like your sister, at least she had the guts to argue back with him.


	2. English

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah hates being in English class.

You loved the play titled Romeo and Juliet that you read back in 8th grade. You used to pray to God that you could one day find love as strong as theirs.

You hate the argument papers that you have to write now. Now you can only pray that the next subject can be about Shakesphere's plays again.

"Romeo, Romeo!" You cry out in your head. "Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

Maybe that alarm clock was right, you should have slept earlier. 

"Good night, good night!" says your mind.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow," says your paper.

"That I shall say good night till it be morrow." says yourself as your eyes shut.

"Leah, wake yourself up. That paper won't write itself." says your teacher as she bangs her pencil on your desk.

"This is thy sheath; there rest, and let me die." says you again.

You sit back up and continue to write as best as somebody can on three hours of sleep.


	3. Lunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah eats with her friend Delilah at lunch, as she does every day.

You sit down at the same table you always sit at. Delilah is already there.

You knew Delilah ever since last year. She's rich, she's popular, and she's either hated or envied by pretty much everyone. You're one of the people who envied her, but it's not like anybody would judge you for that. That's what you hope anyway, but you don't tell a soul just in case.

"God, I hate school. It's all 'write this' and 'copy that...'" She scoffs, her hazel eyes rolling as she flicks her short, brown hair.

The lunchroom is buzzing and you hate how loud it is. Not like you can change that.

"...I'm not going to use any of this stuff when I get older, so who cares? The teachers all have a giant stick up their asses too, it's the worst."

"I don't mind school." You respond. "It keeps me busy, I guess."

You pick at your food. You have zero desire to eat, but you knew your father would get mad if you didn't finish your plate. And when your father is mad, everyone is mad, and who wants to go home to an angry parent? Maybe you'll throw the food away, but then a lunch lady would notice, and then everyone will think you have an eating disorder and your father will yell about *that* instead. Why don't people understand that you just aren't always hungry?

"Leah," Delilah begins, pointing her fork at you. "Show some backbone. You're just sitting in a room and getting bossed around. Is that *really* what you want with your life?"

"I mean... not really..."

If you learned one thing throughout this school year, you learned that, sooner or later, you have to agree with Delilah because that's just the easiest thing to do.

"That's what I thought. Now, can you go get me some water from the vending machine? My legs are killing me after walking around this dump."

She hands you a dollar.

"Sure, I don't mind."

On top of everything else, you're also a liar.


	4. Passing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah sees a new face in the hallway.

You and Delilah part ways. 

You looked out into the wave of students that swarmed the way to your locker.

Nobody else cares to know your name. 

You are outcast.

As you continue walking down the hallway, you get bumped into, which makes your papers fall all over.

The person who bumps into you doesn't help you up. Did he do that on purpose? But at the very least, his brother does. At least you assume he's his brother, they look a lot alike. 

"Sorry about that, my brother is pretty clumsy."

It feels good to be right, but that's narcissistic to think, so you push that goodness deep down.

"Oh... um... i-it's okay..."

His hand touches yours again (that's two times now, can you believe it?) as he gives you your papers back. He waves to you before he takes his leave, and you don't know when you'll ever see him again. But your cheeks get red and your heart beats just a bit faster.

Throughout the rest of the school day, you can't stop thinking about that boy.


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being at home alone is a good time to stop and think. Too bad Leah's thoughts always turn sour.

When you get home, nobody is waiting for you. Your sister is probably practicing some sport. (Which one she does you don't remember, which you still feel bad about.) Your mother is never home, her job doesn't let her be. Your father is who knows where. (But hopefully not dead, because that's not something you want to deal with.)

You decide to not make yourself anything to eat, you never seem to be hungry anymore. Instead, you head upstairs, because you remember that the damn TV doesn't work. 

Upstairs has a few rooms, you decide to go into your sister's.

There's this beautiful smell that lingers around her room, maybe it's a new perfume, and the light blue wallpaper shines much better than yours does. 

You remember when your sister used to braid your hair when you were kids, just like hers, and you giggle because you loved sharing the hairstyle with her. Sometimes she'd get your clothes handed down to her, but your mother would also always let her purchase her own clothing because you both had extremely different tastes. Which is quite ironic, considering last year for Halloween, you decided to dress up as each other and-

Guilt rushes back into you like it always did when you thought about your sister, because of what *you* did during that Halloween party. You just wanted to be in her shoes, you just wanted to be the pretty one with the athletic body, you didn't want to-

Nevermind.

You still haven't told her about what you did, but it's not like you're ever going too. It wasn't anything illegal, so you never *had* to fess up. She'd hate you if she knew. She'd fucking hate you. And then who would you have to talk to every night at dinner? Or have to test out the nail polish you bought? Or to just hang around when it's late at night and you both can't sleep?

A part of you wants to ditch the memory entirely. Another part of you wants to dress up as her again. (You're so fucking selfish, Leah. You can't just steal her identity every year just because it makes you feel better.) You glance at her open closet. None of her outfits would look good on you. You go back to your room and fall asleep.


	6. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delilah has a new boyfriend and Leah doesn't like him.

Your favorite passing time was going to the mall, so you decided to spend your Saturday window shopping. Even though you could never afford what was in there, your favorite shops were always the clothing stores. 

As you went to enter in one of the brightly colored shops, Delilah walked out, holding onto some guy that looked around your age.

"Leah!" She cheerfully waves to you. "You get your clothes here?"

You couldn't really pay attention. Your eyes were set on the stranger.

"Is he-"

"My boyfriend? Yup!"

Delilah never really went on dates after the last person she went out with. Apparently, she broke up with her boyfriend after only using him for personal gain. A whole fight broke out and he moved schools as a result.

This new boyfriend of Delilah's was tall and skinny, (his height was bigger than yours, but you beat him in having less weight,) which made Delilah's short and curvy body look all the more short and curvy. Guess opposites do attract. He waved to you, obviously not being a talker. But his eyes... they had such an uninviting look to them. His aura was so distant and cold. Could Delilah feel it too, or was it just in your head?

You didn't know which one to warn first. They both seemed equally cruel. Maybe that's why they started dating in the first place.


	7. Supper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah prays for her father, but it doesn't work out, not like anything to do with her father does.

Delilah has a boyfriend because she is pretty and popular and smart and better than you are. Even if everyone else thinks she's cruel and nasty and a bitch and the worst high school girl on the planet. And now you envy her even more because if even Delilah can *still* get a boyfriend after she's been known to rip hearts out of every man's chest and stomp all over them then what does that make *you?*

You go to church every Sunday. You see a girl with bandages wrapped all around her arms when you sit down with your family. She looks like she's in so much pain and yet she still has a big smile on her face. Maybe God saved her soul, or maybe she was delusional, or maybe she enjoyed the pain altogether, you didn't really know. But if she can be happy, why can't you? You're doing better than she is, right? How selfish, how cruel, how pathetic. Maybe you should smile more and go outside more often. Open your eyes, the world doesn't want any more attention seekers than it already has.

The priest pulls out a Bible, you close your eyes and begin to pray for-

"Hey," your father leans in next to you, whispering something. "Maybe you should pray for the TV to fix, I know I would."

You chuckle at his joke, but then decide to pray for what he asks for because that'll make him happy and a happy dad is a happy dinner.

Church was uneventful after that, but before you get driving, your father orders a pizza. He orders toppings he knows your sister doesn't like and she glares at him from the back seat all the way home.

When you get back to your house, your gut turns. The damn pizza is late and your father can't watch anything on the damn TV because it's still broken (guess your prayer didn't work out) and his damn wife won't let him get a damn replacement because this can encourage him to get a damn job of his own but he doesn't NEED a damn job because she makes all the damn money that they DO need.

You look at your sister. She looks at you. It's going to be a long night.

Once the pizza does get here, your father yells at the delivery man. You can't help but feel bad because the poor guy looked as if he was about to sob right then and there. All he does is apologize until he receives his money (and doesn't get a tip) and leaves.

What did mom ever see in dad?

Soon enough, you get a slice of pizza and force yourself to eat. Your sister goes to pick off a topping she doesn't like, but then your father gets mad at her because those toppings costed extra and she should be more appreciative. She yells at him, he yells at her, and you choke down more pizza.


	8. Text Messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah can't sleep, but neither can Delilah.

You lay in your bed, staring up at the ceiling. Maybe you can ask your mother to buy you some over-the-counter sleeping pills. Your phone vibrates, so you take a look.

Delilah: can u sleep?

You: no, u?

Delilah: not rlly. what r u being for halloween?

You: dunno, u?

Delilah: be a greek goddess, im doing that 2. im going as aphrodite.

Aphrodite, Goddess of beauty and love, that sounds fitting enough for Delilah.

You: who should i be then?

Delilah: i dunno, pick some1.

You ponder for a second, then text:

You: artemis?

Artemis was everything you wanted to be. Powerful, admired, strong, and didn't let anyone control her. She reminded you of your sister.

Before Delilah can okay your outfit, you hear a knock at your door, so you put your phone away and pretend to sleep.


	9. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah sees that boy from the hall again.

Hallway guy walks in the hallway.

You connect looks.

He smiles at you.

You smile back.

You don't know his name.

You don't know his classes.

You don't know his homelife.

You don't know his friends.

You don't know his tastes in food.

Or music.

Or sports.

Or girlfriends.

But you love him anyway.


	10. Halloween Costumes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah and her sister go shopping, hopefully Delilah doesn't mind.
> 
> Part 1 of 2.

School is uneventful, not like that's a surprise, but once you walk out of the building with Delilah, your sister is waiting for you.

"Guess what?" She asks you, a smile on her face.

Did your dad kick the bucket or something? "...What?"

"I finally hid enough of my money from work to buy a Halloween costume. I was thinking it'd be fun if we could look around for a good one together. 

"But I don't have any money, I can't buy anything..."

"That's fine, we can still hang out! Though I only have enough for one costume and maybe lunch for the both of us, it'll be like old times, y'know?"

Yeah, you did know, you knew for a while. You longed to be as close to your sister as you used to be. But when you open your mouth to respond, a second voice overpowers yours.

"ACTUALLY," Delilah began. "Leah is buying a costume with me, so she doesn't need to-"

"Yeah sure," You interrupt anyway. "I'd love to."

"Cool, let's go then."

Your sister grabs your arm and pulls you away from Delilah. A part of you begins to worry that she was going to later yell at you for your decision, but you decide to push that fear down. It's what your sister would do, at least.

However, you didn't know that the mall would be so, well, close. Right beyond the forest behind your school, actually. You didn't think that your sister ever skipped, so you weren't sure how she knew this shortcut. Maybe she slept here whenever she snuck out of the house and found it that way, your sister was always a bigger fan of camping than you were.

The bushes scraped your legs, guess wearing shorts were a bad idea. The sun shined in your eyes, maybe sunglasses would have been a good investment. Bugs crawled below your feet, bug spray would have been an even better investment. 

But soon enough, the adventure through the woods had ended, and the mall was insights.

"Do you know where the Halloween store is?" 

"Yeah, I've been there a few times."

"I never knew you enjoyed dressing up so much."

"I... I don't really, I just wanted to *buy* something for once. You know how dad is with my money."

You can hear his voice playing in your head: "You're finally pulling your weight, Rachel. Took you long enough." And then he'd take the shiny paycheck swiftly out of her hands and spend it on who knows what. 

But before the moment turns sour, the bright light of the loud and inviting Halloween store hits your faces, saving both of you from an awkward and angry conversation. Your sister runs in, and she grabs your hand, pulling you in with her.


	11. Midday Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buying clothes is fun, and maybe if Leah's dad tried it, he'd think so too.
> 
> Part 2 of 2

Your sister looks for an outfit her size.

You look for something that speaks 'Artemis.'

She comments on how slutty all of the outfits look.

You say that you'd have to tape balloons onto your chest to fit into them.

She laughs so hard her sides hurt, which makes you laugh too.

You grab a bow and arrow prop, could you make this at home?

She grabs a costume she likes, a post-apocalyptic zombie hunting outfit.

"I have a jacket that can go with this." 

"Which one?"

"The fake leather one."

"Good choice."

You watch her pay for her costume and wish you had your own money.

She takes you to the food court and you order a sub, you're so sick of pizza after last time, and she orders a sub, so maybe she was too.

"How are we going to get home?" 

"I'd assume that'd we walk, we aren't that far."

"Oh..."

The walk is about a mile in length, but you didn't want to make your sister feel bad by complaining.

For once, you finish your plate and then look to your sister who had already been done about ten minutes ago, good thing she had patience. You both stand up and walk out of the mall until you hear a loud beeping in your direction. 

You just wanted to have a fun day. You just wanted to spend some time with your sister. Why did *he* have to show up?

"Where WERE you two?!" Your father shouts, jumping out of the car.

If this was a cartoon, your father would have smoke coming out of his ears and fire would burn in the background.

Your sister goes first. "We just went out to-"

But your father interrupts. "It's THREE hours past when you come home and I got ZERO message about where you were, I need an explanation!"

"Well, I-"

"It was me, I'm sorry!" You blurt out suddenly. "Rachel told me not to, but I made her come with me to the mall. I stole a few dollars for a costume, I just-"

"Get in the car. Now."

Your father didn't care to point out the plotholes in your story, he decided he needed to yell, so you sit in the backseat in the car and let him shout. Your sister holds your hand and you squeeze it tight. The punishment is decided. You are grounded for two weeks.

"Why'd you cover for me?" Your sister mutters to you as you both walk into the house. 

"Whatever punishment he'd give you would have been worse, I guess."

"You didn't have to do that."

"I know, but I still wanted to."

"...Thank you."

You walk upstairs and stay in your room for the rest of the day.


	12. Gym

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody likes running the mile, but everyone would much rather do it with a friend.

"Are you excited to run the mile, Leah?" Delilah asks you on the bus.

"No... is that bad?"

"Bad? I wouldn't say bad. Rather... inconvenient."

After you were dropped off at school, you waited in the cafeteria for the first bell to ring. 

"I got grounded," You tell Delilah. "So I won't be able to text you."

But Delilah isn't listening because she's chatting with her boyfriend. Go figure. 

The first bell rings and everybody walks to their classes. You, however, walk to your doom titled 'Gym Class.'

Delilah is in your gym class, but she skips off with her boyfriend into the woods. Maybe she didn't tell you, but you can pick up pretty quickly that she's dodging the mile to hang in the forest with some guy. She couldn't even invite you. Does she think you won't notice? Does she think you're stupid?

Scratch that, you'd rather not have the answer to that question.

It doesn't matter either way, because now you have no one. Hallway guy isn't in your gym class, but it doesn't stop you from thinking about him anyway. Maybe he'd look at the couple leaving and scoff knowing it'll only end in trouble and when they both get caught you could giggle with him even though everyone wanted to leave this class and you can't really blame some people for acting out on that desire. Or maybe he'll take your hand and you would both follow them off and as you four have fun in the woods you would point out the secret passageway to the mall and you could all skip every other class too and your excuses would be just good enough that your parents don't scold you. 

But your thoughts are interrupted by a slam. You bumped into a girl this time with blond, curly hair and she helps you up and accepts your apologies and gives you this cheerful smile and tells you that you're wearing a cute shirt which is, haha, a funny joke because everyone has the same gym uniform.

You soon remember who she is. You never learned her name, but Delilah always called her 'Curly Sue' due to her famous curly locks. Curly Sue is popular, pretty, and a smart girl, just like Delilah. But their major difference is that people actually like Curly Sue, even after Delilah tried spreading a rumor that she was a prostitute. You'd hate her guts if she wasn't such a good person. Maybe she's being fake. Or maybe you're just letting your jealousy talk.

As you continue to run, you hope it's the ladder.


	13. Vomit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah has an excuse to sleep all day, maybe now her father won't yell at her for being so lazy.

"Leah, your lunch looks delicious, why aren't you eating?" Delilah asks as she sits down across from you at your lunch table.

"I... I don't know, I'm not hungry."

"You're *never* hungry."

"I'm sorry..."

"If you were really sorry you'd eat something. I swear to god if you fall over and die right here due to starvation I am *not* carrying you to the nurse's office."

Your stomach turns and you want to throw up, but you sink your fork into your salad anyway and force it down your throat. 

"Did... Did you have fun?" You ask, trying to change the subject. "I mean, I noticed you ditched the mile run so I-"

"Oh yeah, it was a ton of fun in the woods, way better than running in a circle for an hour. I thought it'd just be my boyfriend and me, but there were a few other people who skipped too. You might have liked them and I would have invited you, but you ditched me first so I knew it'd be okay if I did it back to you."

You clench your fists in anger but decide to drop it. "Yeah, guess I deserved that."

Just agree with her, it makes everything easier.

"But no hard feelings, because I'm inviting you to a Halloween party at my place, and-"

You gasp for air before vomit tainted the table's blue paint. You weren't expecting to puke up what little lunch you had, but 'expecting' didn't mean anything now because barf suddenly covered everything. Eyes all turned to you and you wanted to cry. Now you're going to be the puke girl and everyone is going to think you're gross and what little reputation you had was ruined and how could anybody kiss such disgusting lips like yours and now you're never going to get a boyfriend and you now feel light-headed and you then begin crying even though you keep telling yourself to shut the hell up because you look like you're a kindergartener.

Delilah let out a shriek of disgust and a lunch lady walks you to the nurse. When your father picks you up, you both don't talk on the car ride home. But when you get home, you hit the jackpot because he doesn't notice you sneaking a movie into your arms before you're sent up to your room.


	14. Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah watches a movie and gets bad thoughts in her head.

You put the movie into the DVD player connected to your TV, which your father didn't take away because you didn't get any channels on it already. Not like you usually watched any TV anyways.

You take a look at the case, and while you didn't look at the movie you slipped past your father, you expected it to be a princess movie you watched when you were younger. But instead, the cover had two people on it, highschoolers, a boy hugging a girl while she nuzzles up to him. Behind them was a chalkboard with a positive review written on it. On the top of the case had the movie's name, 'Heathers', in all of its glory. You've never seen or even heard of this so-called 'Heathers' movie, but beggars can't be choosers, so you press play and lay down to watch it.

Heathers, you learn, is the name of the popular, mean girls that run the school. Everybody either hates them or loves them. The leader of the Heathers reminds you of Delilah.

That's too bad because she dies. She chugs down drain cleaner because she was given it 'accidentally.' Actually, the main two on the cover are the ones responsible for her death.

And some other people die too.

Their murders are faked as suicides, all besides the last, which is an actual suicide.

"Teenage suicide, don't do it!" was the slogan played throughout the movie. 

It's ironic... but in a good way. 

And the ending is pretty bittersweet, the main female character hanging out with the school loser, traumatized forever after everything that happened.

It puts a question in your head: are you the school loser? Or are you a Heather?

Either choice is a bad one, and when you turn off the movie, you immediately lay down and try to sleep.

Your dreams are full of nothing. You can't dream anymore. And when you wake up in the middle of the night, you stare at your ceiling. Maybe your brain is full of nothing too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know, 'Heathers' is an actual movie directed by Michael Lehmann. There's a lot more to the movie, and if it interests you at all, the plot summary is here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heathers
> 
> I wanted to reference 'Heathers' because fanfiction for the movie is what inspired this story, so I thought it'd be a nice gesture.


	15. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Delilah wants Leah to talk, but Leah keeps quiet.

"Why didn't you text me?" Delilah asks you on the bus.

"I'm grounded, I told you that."

"No, you didn't."

"I..." Just drop it. "...I guess I didn't, I'm sorry."

"So, why did you puke?"

"I can't say."

"Leah, I'm your friend, you can tell me."

"I don't like Halloween parties, at all, the mention of them makes me feel nauseous."

"Why?"

"I *really* don't want to talk about it."

"Leah, I deserve an answer."

"Please, Delilah, I can't talk about this right now."

"Stop being a bitch and just-"

"Our bus stopped, let's just head to class."

"Fine."

You grab your bag and run into the building. You never liked school, but you were happier than ever to be there on this day.


	16. Library

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah skips lunch, not like she needs to eat anyway.

The lunchroom is your execution.

You can see it now, your head in a guillotine. Delilah holds the rope, a glare in her eyes, and an evil grin upon her mouth. All the other students watch you, not with sympathy, but with utter bloodlust, because they *want* to see your head fall into the maggot-ridden bucket. Not like you cannot blame them, because Delilah was the queen, and the queen always demanded a new head to be chopped off each week. It was now sport rather than something gruesome. The worst part is that Queen Delilah never hired an executioner because she would rather commit the act of ending a human life by herself than give someone else the right to do it.

"Tell me your secret." Queen Delilah booms at you.

"Delilah, I can't, please have mercy!"

"Mercy is for the weak, you have done nothing to deserve my pity!"

She let's go, and as you scream in terror, the crowd drowns it out with cheers of excitement. Your last words are meaningless. And then you die. Alone. Forgotten. Pathetic. 

And that's your excuse, that's why you ditch lunch. Because you don't want to face the queen and her unfair punishments. So you take a turn to the one other place where people were allowed to be during lunch: the library. 

The library is the opposite of the lunchroom. It's quiet, it's peaceful, and it's warm. But the best part is that it invites you to sit down with a book and just get cozy, so that's exactly what you do. As you bite into your peanut butter sandwich, you hear the chair across from you pulling outwards, then scooting back in.

"Leah? I never knew you ate in the library!"

When you look up, you see Curly Sue looking back at you. She even knew your name, and how she knew that you'll never know.

"Oh, I just... wanted to try something new..." 

"You look a bit down, is something wrong?"

"I mean, I guess..."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

You do, you really, *really* do. 

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Of course I can, Leah."

"I'm hiding from my friend, she wants me to tell her a secret and I can't."

"Then you should tell her that."

"You don't understand, she'll crucify me."

"Leah, you shouldn't be scared of your friends, relationships are all about communication, you should let her know how you feel, she'll understand."

"I've tried and she doesn't."

"Then she doesn't sound like a very good friend."

"No, she is, it's just..."

You trail off, trying to think up an excuse for Delilah's behavior.

"Well..." Curly Sue fills the silence. "...If you need to sit with someone at lunch, I'm always available."

"T-Thank you."

She stands up and walks over to another group of friends, leaving you alone to process the conversation.


	17. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah is caught.

"LEAH!"

Delilah grabs your arm as you walk out of the library, yanking you into the nearby bathroom. 

"D-Delilah, you're hurting me..." 

She lets go of you, but you know you're trapped in the bathroom anyway, no use in trying to run.

"You're seriously dodging me now? I had to eat lunch by myself!"

"I'm sorry, please, I'm just not feeling well...."

She won't buy it. You *know* she won't buy it.

"Why? Because you're hiding something from me?"

"Delilah, why do you care so much?"

"I'm your friend, I want to help you! You're *throwing up* in the lunchroom for crying out loud! Do you not see that as an issue? Is that something you normally do? Do you not trust me?"

*Do* you trust her?

"O-Okay, fine, I um..." Think, think, think. Lie. Lie about something. Anything. "...I have a crush on... a boy."

"I'm not some dumbass! I can tell you're lying to me!"

That didn't work. You're done for.

"I'm sorry! Please, please just-"

"Is it me?! Is this secret of yours that you hate me or something?! If you hate me you can tell me!"

"No! I-I don't h-hate y-you at all! Please, just l-let me go to c-class, I don't w-wanna be-"

"JUST TELL ME ALREADY, WHAT IS *WRONG* WITH YOU?!" She screams suddenly, grabbing your arms again.

Why is nobody coming in here? Why can't they hear her yelling at you? Are the hallways just that loud? Does nobody care?!

You are abone. You are forgotten. You are pathetic.

And you wanna just fade away and die.

You didn't mean to have a breakdown in the bathroom, but it turned out that's exactly what you did. As you begin to sob, Delilah takes a step back for a second as if she didn't understand the complex emotion of feeling sad. 

"P-Please, j-just stop! I'll t-tell you i-if you stop!" You manage to muster out.

She nods her head quickly in agreement before trying to calm you down. Her harsh yelling and her tight pulling on your arm turned into soft hugs and rubs on the back. Maybe she felt bad for hurting your feelings. Maybe she didn't want anyone hearing you cry. Maybe she was just acting so you'd let your guard down. You really didn't know but you had to take what you got because this was the nicest Delilah has been to you in a while.

After a couple of minutes, you resume talking.

"I... I guess I should start at the beginning..."


	18. Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah wants to forget.

It was just last year that you were invited to a Halloween party with your sister. Okay, well, you weren't invited. Your sister was, but she knew you were bothered that you weren't, so she decided to bring you anyway. You were scared that the host would notice, but she reassures you that nobody at the party is going to scope out the area for any uninvited guests and that you'll be fine.

"What about dad?" You ask, hoping it wouldn't bring down your sister's mood.

"Are you kidding? It's the weekend, dad is always out on the weekends."

"I know... I-I just worry... I mean, what if-"

Your sister stops you by grabbing your hands. You look at her and notice that she's wearing a sympathetic smile. "Leah, I know you may be nervous, but I promise you that we're going to have fun together. Now, what do you think would make a good Halloween costume?"

As she lets go, you both begin to think. You toss ideas to each other, none of which really seem to stick, until the perfect idea pops into your mind.

"What if... we dress up as each other?"

After talking about your sizes, your different body shapes, and how clothing would fit, you both finally settle on an outfit and on the makeup you'll be putting on. (Even if your sister believes that you both don't really need makeup because it'll be dark by the time you get there, you convince her to wear some anyway along with you.)

So when you both finally change into your costumes and your father leaves the house for the night, you sneak out and walk to the house at which the party is at. It's a far walk and you almost give up halfway through, but in the end, you make it there. Your sister pulls you in the door and you're greeted by loud rock music and screaming drunk teenagers. You grab your sister's hand tightly, not wanting to lose her in this mess, and she quickly pulls you both towards the backyard of the house.

The backyard was quiet. Quiet and dark. There really only were a few lights out that hung upon the trees, making for a surprisingly beautiful scene. Your sister lets go of your hand and turns to go back into the house.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm just gonna get us some drinks, is that cool?"

"Sure, go ahead."

As she leaves, another song comes from the house. The music is so loud that you can hear it through the walls, but you don't mind, because the next song put on was one that you actually enjoyed. You dance in the darkness all by yourself, but that's exactly how your sister would want to dance, and because you're her for today you get to do all the fun things she wants to do.

And everything was good... until you bumped into *him.*

"Rachel?" He asked, the light just barely shining onto your face. Guess that means your makeup worked. "Why are you... so tall?"

"Um... I'm wearing boots for my costume." You put your hands on your hips, just like she would. "Do you like it?"

"Oh, I mean, yeah! What... What are you?"

You didn't know who this guy was, but by the way he was speaking to you, your sister had to be friends with him. 

"Huh? I'm just... dressing as my sister. Isn't that cute?"

He scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Did she come up with that? God, why do you even hang around that chick?" 

That would have hurt your feelings, but because you're not *you* right now, it doesn't sting as bad. You feel less offended that you were insulted and more offended that this guy would insult your sister Leah. So you do what your sister would do and hit him over the head. Not enough to hurt him, but enough to make him feel it. 

"Sorry, Rachel."

He apologized. He apologized to *you.* That never happens. You never felt better.

"Just don't do that again, okay?" You say, the confidence radiating off of you.

"Fine, fine... Let's just change the subject." He thinks for a second, then looks back at you. "What would you do if I... dated a girl?"

Not really understanding the question, you try to make a witty joke. "You're into girls?"

"Don't be an ass," He laughed, shoving you a little. "I'm serious."

"I'd wish you and your girlfriend well in your relationship, I guess."

"W-Would you mind though? Like, would you be jealous?"

This guy was horrible at flirting if that was what he was trying to do. "What are you getting at?"

"Shit... Okay, fine, I can come clean. This isn't really formal but..." 

He lightly takes your hands. 

Your eyes widen. 

Your cheeks redden. 

Your breathing speeds up. 

Is this really happening? 

"...I love you."

You've never heard a boy tell you that before. You never thought it would happen. This was magical. Someone loved you. They wanted to be with you. You yearned for this moment your entire life and it was finally here. You don't even know who this person was, but...

"I-I love you too."

Looking back, you don't know how you didn't realize that he loved your sister and not you.

He hugged you tightly, almost crying. "God, I wanted to tell you for so long."

You hug for a moment, then look back at each other.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked suddenly. 

Kiss? You've never done that before either.

Your mind runs and runs and runs with possibility but then you pulled him close and his hands rub your back and your lips touch his and then you went further but not so far where you felt uncomfortable and you felt like you were a princess in a movie that just got your happy ending because he loves you he loves *you* and looking back you realize this guy looks just like the guy in the hall but not exactly like him like you know that they aren't the same person but similar enough for someone to notice and that just makes you feel even more shitter and-

Suddenly, a flashlight shines onto your face. Some group of people, you don't know who, began to laugh as they saw you.

"Holy shit, you two! You're fucking dirty! I thought you were better than that, Rachel!"

They were clearly drunk because if a flashlight was on your face they could tell it wasn't you but that really didn't matter because they ran back into the house giggling and you both knew they were spreading the news like wildfire.

"Shit! Rachel, the fuck we gonna do?!" He asks.

You throw up in response.

You aren't your sister. What you are is the skank who stole your sister's boyfriend before she even got the chance to date him. What you are is the snake who ruined your sister's reputation. What you are is unworthy of even having the same last name as your sister.

When you went back to school on Monday, everyone knew what 'your sister' did and now she's getting catcalled by assholes and mocked by bitches. But you couldn't come clean. You couldn't come clean because you knew that she'd hate you for ruining her life.

You can't even say her name anymore without feeling guilty.

You left her out to dry and rot for something she didn't even do. And what did she do to deserve that? She helped you with your homework and she stood up for you against people and she invited you to all of her parties. 

You are nothing but trash.


End file.
